What is this?

Left in a chair at a bar.

Labelmaker

Mine! This is mine.

Snardle Farts

Numder #1

Exquisite Corpse #3

Part 3 By Me, Sharky Pistolsmith!

MARGARET

I’m... going to wait outside.

Margaret walks quickly from the boys to the door leaving a jet stream of her perfume. Margaret goes to open the door but the static electricity has made the door stick. She finally gets it open as the oil reaches her new shoes. She slams the door and when the door hit the frame, sparks come out. Nathaniel, Oliver, and Preston take three steps toward the door and  away from the Electrapositronidipolarizamatazzatron. They breath and take a second to inhale Margaret’s perfume. When they exhale their faces have turned from sublime to anger.

Nathaniel grabs Oliver and begins to berate him. During the conversation, the static that holds Nathaniel’s hair up diminishes and is transferred to oliver and causes his hair to stand.

NATH

You said everything was functional and operating!

OLIVER

Ow, let me go! I said everything was at 80%! 80% functionality!

PRESTON

Calm down. Calm down you two!

NATH

You’re shoddy science embarrassed me in front of the woman I love!

OLIVER

My science is correct and she loves me!

PRESTON

Take a deep breath you two!

OLIVER

The fumes are probably 60% toxic so that MIGHT not be the best idea!

NATH

Are you trying to kill us Preston?!

PRESTON

No and Margaret loves me.

Nathaniel and Oliver both grab Preston causing his hair to stand up on end. They explode in accusations of scientific inadequacy, blame, and assertions on who Margaret actually loves. Preston gets more and more fed up.

PRESTON

Oh, cut it out you two dummies! For the love of Zeus!

Preston clamps his hands over his mouth realizing he has said the word that activates the Electrapositronidipolarizamatazzatron. The machine emits a deep rumble, begins to spew oil covering the boys, and electricity sparks out in long zaps.

OLIVER

Neanderthal!

NATH

What a mistake you have made!

Preston tries to turn the machine off but Nathaniel and Oliver grab him and keep him in the tussle. The lights go out. With the electricity in the air, the boys’ skeletons are charged and shine through their bodies(they are white against the dark) The fight escalates. We hear margaret trying to open the door again. When she does light and oxygen wooshes in and allows the room lights come one. The boys are covered in the black oil and against the white background of the lab, they look like the photonegative of the skeletons that were just fighting.

MARGARET

I left my purse....oh my god! What a mess!

The lights begin to go in and out again as margaret walks towards the Electrapositronidipolarizamatazzatron and her purse. The boys now fight to run to her to apologize and woo. The boys slip and fall on the floor causing them to become magnetized and slide around the floor being attracted and repulsed by one another. To get across the room to her purse and minimize the oil on her new shoes, Margaret navigates jumping on the brothers as they slide hither and thither on the floor. She climbs on Preston.

PRESTON

Ouch. Margaret, I’m so glad you came back. I wanted to apologize...

MARG

Stuff it, Preston!

PRESTON

I never told you but it was I who wrote the poem in the...

MARG

Hallway? It was a little dry, don’t you think?

She hops on to Oliver.

OLIVER
Ouch. Margaret, I know you’re actually here for me. For us.

MARG

Don’t sit up so much.

OLIVER

Oh yes, of course. You must understand that I knew we weren’t ready but I was pressured... manipulated...

MARG

That makes two of us.

She hops on to Nathaniel.

NATH

Ouch...

MARG

Shut up! I’m just here for my purse!

NATH

I understand, Margaret. When I hit Oliver again, it should reverse my polarity enough to send us over to your purse.

MARG

Good.

NATH

Margaret, I know we arn’t going to get the grant but...

MARG

But what? But nothing.

Nathaniel hits Oliver. They slide over toward the purse.

Exquisite Corpse #2

Part 2 By Alisa Rosenthal!

        GLEN
Help.

        MARGARET
What’s wrong?

        GLEN
It’s... I... I can’t get this dress off.

        MARGARET
Oh... kay....

        GLEN
Can you... come in here and help me get it off?

        MARGARET
Seriously?

    (GLEN whimpers)

        MARGARET (cont)
Fine.

    (MARGARET goes in the dressing room)

        MARGARET (cont)
Ok, ok, I know, I know, shh shh, it’ll be ok. Just... keep your arms straight up, and wiggle your head a bit. Good, good, there you go.

    (GLEN gets the dress off)

        GLEN
I didn’t even like it that much.

        MARGARET
Well no, not after that.

        GLEN
Oh my god.

        MARGARET
What?

        GLEN
Look at what it did to my back.

    (GLEN turns around to expose a huge cut down her back.)

        MARGARET
Oh my god! The dress did that??

        GLEN
Well I didn’t have that before I got here!

        MARGARET
That’s weird.

        GLEN
I know. Damn exposed zippers.

        MARGARET
No, it’s really weird.

        GLEN
Um, sure.

        MARGARET
Because I have that same cut on my back.

        GLEN
Did you try on this dress too? I think it’s just made shitty.

        MARGARET
No... I just woke up and had it.

        GLEN
Seriously?

        MARGARET
I think I just somehow scratched myself in my sleep. I guess.

        GLEN
Have you scratched yourself... like that... in your sleep before?

        MARGARET
I think so. But not in years.

        GLEN
Oh... I’m sorry. We don’t have to talk about this.

    (MARGARET starts to take off her dress to show her scratch when SANDY knocks on the door.)

        SANDY
Hey - are there two people in there?

        GLEN and MARGARET
No. (Beat.) Dammit.

        SANDY
There can only be one person in there at a time.

        GLEN
We’re almost done.

        SANDY
Fine, just, put your clothes and like... just please don’t make me have to open the door. It’s... never cool for me.

    (MARGARET collects herself. They both come out.)

        SANDY (cont)
Glen??

        GLEN
Stephanie?

        SANDY
Sandy.

        GLEN
Sandy! Holy crap, how are you?

        SANDY
Good. Working retail, ha. I have a son!

        GLEN
Get out! That’s crazy weird!

        SANDY
Is it? I think it’s beautiful.

        MARGARET
I’m... going to wait outside.

Exquisite Corpse #1

This is an Exquisite Corpse, "a method by which a collection of words or images is collectively assembled. Each collaborator adds to a composition in sequence by being allowed to see the end of what the previous person contributed." We got three pages to write and then send the last line for the other to start. Here's what it turned into!

Huck and Glen, two lumberjacks, stand side by side with axes slung over their shoulders. They look at each other and nod in agreement, it’s time to go to work. They remain stationary and trees file themselves into line behind them. They begin getting cut down by these two great lumberjacks. The line of trees to get chopped keeps replenishing itself.

HUCK

Hile!

Glen

Hodle!

HUCK

Gunga gunga!

GLEN

Dim dodle!

HUCK

I chop fast!

GLEN

I chop true!

HUCK

Of all the lumberjacks in the country!

GLEN

We’re the best two!

Horf!

HUCK

Dorf!

GLEN

Mufta mufta!

HUCK

Zam bazang!

GLEN

We love to do work!

HUCK

And work what we love you see!

GLEN

Chop!

HUCK

Chap!

GLEN

Chippity choo!

HUCK

We are the best lumberjacks!

GLEN

The best lumberjack two!

All the trees have fallen. They set their axes into the stumps, slap their hands clean in unison, and pull out their lunches. They begin to eat ravenously. Huck looks at Glen and then looks at the audience. He steps forward and pulls out a piece of paper.

HUCK

I wrote this this morning;

Under a shimmering yellow sun, I feast upon it’s warm abundance.

My young petals shine a deep pink as the new morning’s dew begins to evaporate.

The day is beginning it’s terminal momentum and soon dainty Esmerelda will come upon me.

The song she will sing will be one of untouched youth and abundant feeling.

Spring’s triumph guides me ever higher, ever higher still.

I can’t stop writing stuff like this (looks back at Glen) and I definitely can’t tell her about it.

He returns to his seat and eats his lunch sheepishly. Glen looks at the fallen wood and then at the audience and walks forward.

GLEN

My Dad took me for my first trip into the woods. I was so small and everything seems to loom over me and was bent and twisted as if they were no rules. We walked for a while and he put me on his shoulders cause I was getting tired and grumpy. I thought my Dad was a giant but even on top of his shoulders, I still couldn’t see the top of the trees. He finally stopped at a tree and placed a hand against its bark regarding it with respect. He set me down and I felt these trees were something to be respected and feared, but my father lifted the ax he was carrying and thwacked it into the trunk. I watched him and when the blow landed it seemed like the whole world vibrated from the force but him. He had struck the strike that shook the whole world. The tree fell and it was then that I finally say the top. I remember the smell of it the most; clean, essential, and sweet.  

A bell rings and more trees file in to be cut down. The lumberjacks set down their lunches and pick up the axes. They begin to chop again. A tree enters with a bird on it in Huck’s line. He get’s more mesmerized with it until it’s in front of him to get chopped down. Huck hesitates and looks off to the distance.

HUCK

To be unbounded in a world with weightless bones.

An invisible infinity as a matter of travel, home, and love.

GLEN

Hey Huck, what’s the hold up? You gotta sneeze! (The audience roars with laughter)

HUCK

Haha, no. I just got a splinter in my eye..

GLEN

Splinter?! More like log?! (The audience goes nuts again)

Huck silently tries to get bird to fly off the tree before he chops it down. It doesn’t move.

GLEN

Hey Huck! (The audience waves their hands in front of their face nervous for the joke to come and laughing more.) If you need a minute, I can go and grab my Grandma to cover for you! (The joke pays off and audience is in stitches.)

HUCK (Embarassed)

That won’t be necessary.

Huck begrudgingly chops the tree down and in doing kills the bird. He continues on chopping down trees with tears in his eyes. His pace quickens as he loses himself in the work. Glen notices this and gets excited and thinks of it as a challenge. They both chop furiously and the trees they hit go flying in a cloud of splinters. Glen begins to get overwhelmed and the trees start to bunch and crowd her. Huck is lost to the chopping.

GLEN

Help!

Photomontage

I'm doing alright.