Four Wheel Fartbox: 2012

This is a letter I printed on my college's student government stationary and then sent to a friend of mine. I had graduated the year before so he asked his friends in the organization if they did it leading to a mini investigation where I'm sure a lot of administrators read this letter. It's very crude and offensive, but it's one of my proudest moments;

Dear Student,

We, here at the College Student Government, wanted to let you know about our recent resolution to fucking kill you. Let us face it fuck head, you have been asking for this shit for four fucking years and now it is going to rain on your head. It is going to rain shit on your head, rancid homeless person shit, if someone ate port-o-pod soup for a year and then took a dump, it would smell like organic soup compared to the shit that will be pelting your head like a winter’s rain. We're going to fuck you up. We are going to fucking fuck you up. We are going to skin you alive, piss on your exposed body. We are going to make you eat bleu cheese out of a monkey’s ass hole. We are going to cut off your face and eat it on a pizza and then we are going to grind you up and serve you for lunch in a fucking delicious Mexican lasagna. All of your friends will eat your sorry fucking ass and go back for seconds. We are going to slap your belly a thousand times. We are going to train a dolphin to make love to you, a male dolphin with a big dolphin dick. We are going to pull your dick off with pliers, sow it to your nose, and sell you to a circus as an elephant man. We are going to cut off your arms, hit you with them, and ask you why are you hitting yourself. We are going to make you learn guitar so you can write a song about how much you suck. We are going to make mashed potatoes with your balls. We are going to plan a service event at a retirement home for you, but have all the old people sit on you, smothering your fucking face, twenty fucking old people sitting on your fucking face. I hope you like the taste of mothballs and dryed snatch, motherfucker. We are going to poop in your socks. We are going to pull your heart out through your fucking ass. We are going to make you take a tap dance class, motherfucker. We are going to make you smell farts that we have been saving for years. We are going to gang bang your corpse and then blog about it. We are going to put out 1,600 cigarettes on your ass, one for each person whose ass you have been a pain in.

We are all around you. Campus safety, physical plant, half the student body are with us against you. We do not have anyone in the Student Health Center though, sadly. They will not give you AIDs and then will not email everyone letting them know that you have it. They will not tell you that you just have a cold and give you some robotussin all while AIDs is fingerbanging your insides with a cheese grader, a fucking cheese grader.

If you show anyone this letter, they are dead to. We will fill them with drugs, strip them of their clothes, and mark them as casualties of “the sickest out of control drug orgie thrown by Daniel ‘Small Penis’ Student.”

You might want to say goodbye to your mommy wommy, cuntface, cause you are going die.

We are going to kill you till you fucking die, till you fucking die, fucktard.

-The College Student Fucking Government.

PS: Look behind you.